Love Busters

Six Ways to Trash Your Marriage

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Okay, so no one wants to trash their marriage. And yet, that’s where many people find themselves. How do they get there? There are a few themes that pop up again and again.

The following Love Busters are adapted from the book Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love, by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Do you see yourself in some of them? If so, it’s time to talk. Make a coffee date with your spouse and use the questions provided to guide your conversation.

Selfish Demands

Selfishness is the number one marriage killer today. In an age when we are constantly told that we have a right to have whatever we want, whenever we want it and however we want it, many people approach marriage with an attitude of entitlement that says, “your job is to meet my needs.”

No doubt, one of the great joys of marriage is the opportunity to serve one another in love. As husbands and wives, we should be looking for ways to lighten one another’s load and put a smile on each other’s face. That’s a good thing.

But when it’s required of us, or when it’s presented as an ultimatum rather than a request, well, that’s a whole other thing entirely. When you command your spouse to do things that would benefit you at their expense, with or without implied threat of punishment if they refuse, that’s a selfish demand. A person who does this doesn’t care about their partner’s feelings; they only care about what they can get out of them. That’s called abuse.

Talk About It

What’s the difference between a request and a demand?

How do you feel when I make a demand of you?

If I need your help with something, how would you like me to ask you?

Disrespectful Judgments

At the heart of disrespect is a sense of superiority. It’s an attitude that says, “I’m right, my way is best, and if you disagree, you’re wrong.”
This type of thinking compels a person to attempt to “straighten out” their spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, and behaviour to bring it into line with their own. They impose their way of thinking by lecturing, moralizing, ridicule, threats or other forceful means.

Nobody likes being talked down to or being made to feel worthless. Marriage is a partnership in which both parties have much to contribute, and much to learn from one another. Disrespect and judgment convey a message of, “you’re not needed here.”

Talk About It

Do I convey an attitude of respect and appreciation for who you are and what you bring to our marriage?

Do you feel we approach life as a team?

If I disagree with you, how can I do so respectfully?

Angry Outbursts

Conflict is okay. Every marriage has it, and handled properly it can even become a good thing in a marriage, whit husband and wife growing closer together as they work through it in a healthy manner.

Unchecked anger, on the other hand, destroys love. Angry outbursts lead to deliberate attempts to hurt your spouse, be it through words or through physical violence. Anger cripples future resolution of issues in the marriage because it removes a sense of safety. Real problems go unaddressed because one spouse is afraid of setting the other one off.

If you believe that explosive anger is either acceptable or inevitable, let me ask you something: Do you speak to your boss that way? If you can control it at work, you can and must control it at home.

Talk About It

Do I handle my anger appropriately?

How do I make you feel when I’m upset?

How might I better deal with my anger when it starts to rise?

Dishonesty

Trust is foundational to every marriage. What starts out as a little white lie can kickstart a pattern that will undermine the entire communication process. After all, how can you really talk about anything important if you don’t know whether or not the other person is telling the truth?

Refuse to be honest about your feelings, and you chip away at that foundation. Lie about your past, and that’s another crack. Withhold information about your future plans, and it starts to crumble.

Husbands and wives must be radically honest with one another. Your spouse has a right to know everything about you - there is no room for privacy in marriage. That transparency forces you to live well.

Talk About It

How honest should we be with one another?

In what areas of our life might we be tempted to keep secrets?

What would a completely trustworthy relationship look like?

Annoying Habits

The saying goes, it’s not the mountain ahead that kills you, it’s the pebble in your shoe. In marriage, those annoying little habits are the pebble, and over time they can erode a relationship like little else. That leaving the cap off the toothpaste has started many couples down the road to divorce may sound funny, but it’s no joke.

Often these habits are innocent in and of themselves, mere idiosyncrasies. Often they were attractive at first, but as the years march on they begin to wear on the nerves. The behaviour is repeated without thought, and without noticing how much it bothers the other person.

Grace comes into play here, too. Realizing that there’s no such thing as a perfect person and we have our own aggravating quirks, we must accept our spouse for who they are. Nevertheless, if you’ve got a habit that’s rubbing your spouse the wrong way, ask yourself, what’s more important to you: your marriage or your right to continue this behaviour? If you know it’s a pebble in his or her shoe, why not remove it rather than asking your spouse to bear with it? It’ll make the journey a lot more pleasant for both of you.

Talk About It

What is one habit of mine that you find irritating?

Are you willing to work to eliminate the habit of yours that I have identified?

How can I help you overcome this habit?

Independence

Marriage done right opposes our innate instinct to look out for number one. It insists that we subjugate our own desires, preferences and welfare to that of another person.

For some, the sacrifice seems too big. So they go on living as if they are answerable only to themselves. They make decisions and plans without their spouse’s input or concern for their feelings. They cherish freedom at the expense of a healthy life together.

But marriage isn’t about losing your identity. It’s about choosing to blend your identity with another person. You didn’t get married to go it alone; if you insist on living as though you’re single, you may wake up one day and find that you are.

Talk About It

How much togetherness do we want?

How much time should we each have to pursue personal interests?

When does individuality begin to hurt our marriage?

Next Steps

If any of these love busters have cut a little close to the bone for you, you and your spouse do have some talking to do. Working through these questions is a good place to start. Beyond the talk, though, there’s got to be action. You’re half way there by acknowledging the problem. Now it’s time to start dealing with it.

You’ve got to own your own stuff. Yes, you’ve probably identified some things you’d like your spouse to change… but that’s the easy part. The hard part is taking a look in the mirror and figuring out what your part is. Don’t deny how you’ve contributed to the problem.

Value your marriage enough to want to change things. Resist the temptation to say, “Well, this marriage thing just isn’t what I thought it was going to be,” and throw your hands up in defeat. Because changes can be made. You can change. Your spouse can change. Your perspective on your situation can change. You’ve got into some bad habits as a couple and there’s work to be done, but your marriage is worth the work. Have the courage to believe that things don’t always have to stay the way they are today.

A turnaround begins with one change. Start today with whatever shift you can make. Resolve to treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Remind yourself why you came together with this person in the first place. Ask yourself: what is one thing I can do today that would improve the climate of my marriage?

It may be that you find yourself near the breaking point, and you can’t do this alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out and get some help. Going for help is a sign that you want your marriage to make it, and there are people out there who are ready to help you, including my staff and I. Click here to send your questions to us. And remember… you’ll never regret putting your marriage and family first.