Tiptoeing Around Addictions

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Together for 13 years and married for 8, they were on top of the world. Both of them had highly successful careers; she in particular had ascended to the very pinnacle of her profession. They had more money than most couples could make in five lifetimes. Life was everything they’d ever dreamed of.

And then it all came crashing down.

The couple: Two-time Best Actress Oscar winner Hillary Swank, and actor Chad Lowe. The cause: his drug addiction.

“When I found out it was such a shock, because I never thought he’d keep something from me,” the Million Dollar Baby star told Vanity Fair magazine. And though Lowe eventually faced his addiction and began living a life of sobriety, the marriage never recovered from the breach of trust.

The implosion of a Hollywood marriage is hardly newsworthy these days, occurring as it does on almost a daily basis. But far from the bright lights and big city, countless marriages are quietly suffering and dying at the hand of addiction, be it to drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, or any number of other harmful habits.

Marriage is built on a foundation of trust and transparency. Addiction thrives on secrecy and lies. That’s part of what makes it so difficult for a marriage to survive addiction of any kind. Secondly, there’s the direct impact of the addiction itself - financial hardship, physical health complications, relational strain.

Finally, and often most critically, there’s the failure of the non-addicted spouse and other family members to respond appropriately and helpfully to the situation. Now, don’t get me wrong on this. I understand that the person with the addiction is the one who must ultimately take responsibility and make the changes to get healthy. If you are the supportive spouse, I am not suggesting that you are responsible for the addiction or the havoc it’s wreaking in your home.

I am suggesting, however, that the way in which you respond can either create an environment that will help your spouse beat their addiction, or it can contribute to and compound the problem. As the partner who is one step removed from the addiction, you will have a huge impact on how this will turn out - for better or worse.

The tendency of many in this situation is to tiptoe around the addict and their habit. But while letting sleeping dogs lie may get you through the day, it will not bring about the results you desire long-term. Below are some of the unhealthy ways people typically respond to their spouse’s addiction, and some suggestions on how to avoid the pitfalls.

Denial

Addicts of every kind tend to pull the ostrich-with-its-head-in-the-sand act. They live in a fantasyland, thinking that their habit isn’t really a problem, or it isn’t really affecting them or their family, or things will somehow get better without them really having to face it.

It’s not just the addicts that fall prey to this mentality, however. Their spouse, family and friends often get hooked into it as well. The spouse in particular may deny the extent of the problem. They may try to convince themselves that their marriage is strong enough to bear up under this pressure, and that the issue is better left alone.

You’ve got to be willing to let go of the security of that fantasy, and face reality. The first (and often hardest) step is admitting you have a problem. The issue is there whether you admit it or not; accepting the truth puts you on the road to recovery. If you deny the depth of the problem, your spouse will have no compelling reason to face it either, in which case your situation is never going to improve.

Enablement

Enablement is denial taken a step further. It’s covering for the addict, protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions. Some examples:
• The boss calls and asks the woman why her husband isn’t at work today. “He’s in bed, sick,” she answers… neglecting to mention that the sickness is due to a killer hangover incurred the night before.
• The wife’s gambling addiction has strained the family finances to the point where the bills can no longer be paid. Instead of facing the real issue, the husband arranges to skip a mortgage payment and opens yet another line of credit.

I’ve seen it time and time again. And it’s tempting because it sure is easier to smooth out the waters again than to face the scary truth. But once again, what you’re doing when you cover for the person is removing their motivation to change. Maybe he needs to get fired to wake him up. Maybe she needs to go to the store and have her credit card rejected when she’s trying to buy groceries to realize there’s a problem.
Instead of enabling, you’ve got to intervene. Whether that’s a one-on-one confrontation or some kind of a group intervention depends on what you’re facing. But you need to come to the point where you sit down and say, “Okay, we have a problem here. What are we going to do about it?”

Abandonment

On the flip side are those who’ve had to cover for the addict one too many times and have come to the point where they say, “You know what? You got yourself into this mess… now get yourself out of it!” They wash their hands of the situation and leave their spouse to deal with the problem alone.

It’s easy to understand how some people get to this point. After all, it’s their spouse who chose this road, and paying for their bad behaviour gets old very fast. Nevertheless, if you’re in this position you’ve got to ask yourself how you want this to play out? Do you really want your spouse to get cleaned up and get your marriage back on track? Because if that’s what you want, you’re not going to get it by leaving your husband or wife to fend for themselves. They’re going to need your support and encouragement every step of the way.

Somehow, you’ve got to suppress the urge to cast blame and point fingers. Instead of putting the problem between you, you’ve got to stand side-to-side with the problem in front of you and say, “We have a problem. It happens to be your addiction, but it’s our problem, and we’re going to solve it together.” What a world of difference from the, “It’s your problem… deal with it!” approach.

This is undeniably tough, especially if your spouse is not showing a willingness to do the hard work of recovery. However, don’t mistake support for softness. Supporting your spouse may mean confronting them, refusing to cover for them, and perhaps even separating for a period of time while they work through it. But it’s got to be done in a context of love and encouragement, and an attitude that says, “We will do whatever it takes to get you healthy and to put our marriage back on solid ground.”

Flying Solo

As in many other areas of life, pride can be crippling when it comes to dealing with addiction. Pride causes you to say, “We don’t need help; we can handle this on our own.”

Most addicts require outside help to fully conquer their habits - and fortunately, help is widely available. Whether it’s Gamblers Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, a sex addicts group – name the addiction, and there is likely a group to help people through it. And if there aren’t any groups for it, there are counselors, pastors, friends to walk alongside you and helpful resources that can really make a difference.
You’d be wise if you reached out for help at this time, and not just for the one with the addiction. There are support groups for spouses, friends and family of addicts. Talking with others that are on a similar journey can bring you strength in difficult times.

Yours is a story that can have a happy ending. Overcoming addiction in a marriage is a tough road, no doubt about it. But you will never regret any effort you put in to restore your spouse, and your marriage, to health and happiness.