Parenting Panic

Facing the Fears of Raising 21st Century Children

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Let’s be honest: there are a lot of sad things that can happen to kids these days:

As babies they could stop breathing in their sleep, fail to thrive, get strangled by their soother strap, get stepped on or get dropped.

As toddlers they could swallow a small toy, pull furniture down on themselves, get their head stuck in the banister, fall down the stairs, dart into the road, burn themselves on the stove or get bitten by another kid.

As children they could get lost in the store, crash their bike, fall off the playground, get abducted by a stranger or have their lunch money stolen by schoolyard bullies.

As teens they could get mixed up with the wrong crowd, get into trouble online, crash the car, get hooked on drugs and booze or mess around sexually.

As young adults they could marry the wrong person, choose the wrong career or move too far away. Then, just as you think you may be out of the woods at last, they start giving you grandkids and you’re back at square one!

No matter what stage we are in as parents, we have to face our fears. If we don’t deal with them properly we will either become overprotective and stifling, or nonchalant and careless. Overcoming fear helps prevent poor parenting decisions. Here are some thoughts to help you face your parenting fears.

Be Cautious, Not Psychotic

As parents charged with the task of guiding our children through a sometimes hostile world, there is a fine line between healthy caution and virtual psychosis. Yes, there are all kinds of threats out there that we need to be aware of. But some parents get so worried that they micro-manage their kids’ lives. This breeds children who are scared to take risks and incapable of standing on their own. At the same time, the paranoia cripples the parent every time their kids are out of their sight.

You can’t take the risk out of life. Even if you could, would you really want to? The most important lessons are often learned through disappointment and bad experiences. If we raise our kids inside a plastic bubble we may keep them safe for a time, but we rob them of the opportunity to grow through trials.

What you can and should do is take reasonable precautions. For example, rather than saying, “No trampolines, no toboggans,” show your kids how to play with these things wisely and safely. Instead of scaring them into never talking to strangers, help them learn how to observe people and watch for warning signs. Instead of forbidding them from getting their driver’s license, teach them how to drive carefully. Caution them about threats, but don’t immobilize them.

Educate Yourself

Here’s a principle to keep in mind: the more educated you are about the issues facing your kids, the wiser your decisions will be, and the less you’ll worry. Take the internet for instance. We all know that the online world can be a dangerous place for kids if they aren’t careful. The problem is, in many cases our kids know more about computers and the internet than we do. We can’t train them in internet safety if we don’t know how to use it ourselves. Plus, the problem is scarier to us if we don’t fully understand it.

The solution is to find a computer-savvy friend who can teach you how to use the technology and walk you through the pitfalls, so your computer will be safe at home. The more knowledgeable you can become about the technology, the fewer worries you’re going to have, and the more effectively you can safeguard your kids.

Of course, this principle applies not just to the internet, but to every parenting fear you have. Knowledge puts your apprehensions into perspective and helps you to deal with any threat in a wise and productive way.

Talk Freely with Your Kids

Once you’ve educated yourself, the next step is to take time to teach your kids. An informed child is the best defence against the many things that could potentially happen to a kid. The more the child knows about the dangers that exist and how to protect themselves, the safer they are. So coach them. Talk with them about the things they see in their world and give them the freedom to share their fears with you.
Use the teachable moments that present themselves each day. As you walk through life with your children, you will have countless opportunities to train them in how to survive in this world. Don’t let them get away.

Of course, you also need to give them appropriate boundaries. There are some things they are unable to protect themselves from, and in those cases we must do it for them. Even then, though, it should be done in a context that enables them to learn the reasons for the rules so they can begin to develop their own boundaries, and so they’ll understand how to deal with the situation if the boundaries ever slip. Help them develop a reasoned lifestyle, where they know why they do what they do.

Instil Confidence, Not Fear

What kind of adult do you want your child to become? One who thinks the world is out to get them and is afraid to face the difficult situations that come their way? Or one who is secure and strong enough to survive the inevitable challenges life will bring? To most, the answer is clear.

If you want your child to become strong, you need to develop their confidence. You must believe in them, affirm them and paint a strong future for them. Build in a tough attitude: one that says, “I’m going to be okay in this big, bad world. It’s going to be alright. I know what’s right, and I can say no.”

I’m not saying we want them to be arrogant, but we need to be empowering our kids. Instead of teaching them to be afraid of people, teach them how to look adults in the eye. Make sure they understand that it’s okay to say no to things in life that make them uncomfortable. Help them learn to build their own boundaries, because the time will come when they are outside of your ability to protect them. When that time comes, you want them to have a sense of confidence that they will make it on their own.

Be a Safe Harbour

The last thing, and likely the greatest gift to our kids, is this: we have to become our kids’ safe harbour. Kids still need to be able to run home to mom and dad and find it a safe place. If their parents are not a safe place, where will they turn? They’ll find somewhere or someone, and it’s likely going to be a place or a person you don’t want them running to.

Mom and Dad, you’ve got to love your kids. Hug them often and tell them you love them. Give them the opportunity to tell you about their worries and fears. When they tell you they’re afraid of something, don’t downplay it. Don’t question their fears, because they’ll never come and talk to you about them again. Listen, understand, and then build their confidence.

I can’t stress it enough: when your kids come running home, they must be running to a safe place: a place where they feel they can come without fear of judgment; a place where their mom and dad love them unconditionally. That’s the greatest gift you can give to a kid in a scary world.