Adding Sizzle to Your Sex Life

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

It’s been said that nothing can suck the passion out of a relationship faster than marriage.

You may wonder: is it even possible to enjoy 50-plus years of great sex with the same person?

The truth about married sex is much better than many suspect. Study after study has revealed that married couples have a higher degree of satisfaction with their sex lives than those who engage in sex outside of marriage. Yes, you read that right: surveys actually show that the best sex is marital sex within a deep and committed relationship.

But this kind of satisfaction is not automatic. Contrary to what we see in the movies, great sex doesn’t just happen like clockwork. Instead, it comes as a result of a couple committing to work on building a healthy sexual relationship over a lifetime together.

Your marriage can include a sizzling sex life no matter how long you have been married. Donalyn and I have passed our 30th anniversary, and our intimacy just keeps getting better. Here are some guiding principles that will have you looking forward to some great times in your bedroom for a long time to come.

The Warmer the Relationship, the Hotter the Sex

At the heart of a great marriage is the security of knowing that we are best friends. Now to be honest, this is usually a greater need for the woman than for the husband at first. Guys sometimes take the relationship for granted a little bit, but women need to know beyond doubt that their husbands are a safe harbour. They need to know that they are significant to their spouse; a real priority, not just an add-on.

A growing, dynamic friendship built on quality time spent together away from the bedroom will allow for a greater intimacy within the bedroom. Sadly, many marriages deteriorate because, when the relationship is not strong, sexuality becomes cheapened and loses its meaning. Women often feel used or taken for granted. They think, “If this is all he wants, he doesn’t really care about me.”

So if a man wants amazing sex with his wife, thus meeting one of his greatest needs, he should work hard to become her best friend. As he does, she grows in her freedom to enjoy herself sexually in the security of a caring relationship, and she begins to respond to his sexual needs with greater enthusiasm. Continue to build your relationship, and it will really help your sex life to sizzle.

Sex is for Two to Enjoy

Mutuality in sexuality is critical. For 55 years now the Playboy regime has been training men to view women as sex objects or toys for their amusement, with the result that men have become takers. This male-dominated approach to sexuality has made a travesty out of what sex was intended to be: a beautiful shared experience that is mutually satisfying.

We must reject the erroneous notion that sex is more a “guy thing.” It was never intended to be that way. Society has twisted sex into a male-focused experience. But when it is mutually and fully enjoyed, when the woman is equally satisfied, and when it is born out of a great friendship, it becomes a very meaningful and deeply connecting time together for both husband and wife.

Donalyn, in one of her many profound moments, put it best this way: “Women need a meaningful, satisfying relationship to maintain great sex. Men need satisfying, great sex to maintain a meaningful relationship.” As we have approached sexuality from different perspectives, we’ve grown to understand each other in deeper ways, and both our relationship and our intimacy have grown stronger. Everyone is happy!

Talk Openly About Sex

A couple needs to learn to be open, attentive and patient in order to fully understand one another’s sexual needs. This takes courage and vulnerability. It’s one thing to talk about sex in a general way, but to talk about preferences, timing, what’s missing, what you might desire – that’s no easy task. It’s important to express your expectations because many times people continue on deeply disappointed in their sexual experience, but they’ve never communicated to their spouse what they’re really looking for. Share what you feel you are needing.

Now, if your sexual appetite has been influenced by exposure to pornography or some other unhealthy sexual experiences in your past, you may have some unfair or unrealistic expectations of your spouse. Many relationships have gone downhill because the spouse is expected to perform along the lines of something their mate saw in a pornographic movie or magazine. We’ll talk more about sexual variation later. For now, live your own fantasy with your spouse - not someone else’s.

Also, remember that a couple’s sexual experience is sacred. There’s a song that was popular about 20 years ago that said, “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.” That sense of safety is critical in a marriage. Husbands and wives need to be able to share openly with one another and enjoy sexual intimacy together without fear that their experiences or preferences are going to be showcased for the guys in the locker room or the girls over coffee. It’s a private matter that should only be shared outside the marriage either when you’re helping other people, or when you yourself are being helped in a counselling situation. The security that comes from a sense of privacy is foundational to a good sexual relationship.

Variety is Both Spicy and Dicey

Variety is desirable because, as the saying goes, variety is the spice of life. Being creative with different aspects of sexuality adds energy and fun to the relationship. When there are attempts to be imaginative, it says “I’ve been thinking about you away from the bedroom. I’ve been looking forward to this time; it’s important to me.” So go ahead and take steps to enhance your time together, whether with candles, fancier sheets, music, breath fresheners or mints, perfumes, lotions, or lingerie. Be sure to grow your pleasure together.

Variety can also be dicey in the sense that it’s important to establish as a couple the parameters of your sexual variation. If one of you is feeling used or pressured to engage in activities you’re not comfortable with, then it’s not going to be a mutually enjoyable experience. Some guidelines to consider as you determine sexual variety include:

• The activity should not in any way be psychologically damaging to either party.

• The activity must not be physically harmful or involve any kind of fear or risk.

• The activity must be mutually and freely agreed upon by both partners.

Beyond these limits, every married couple has sexual freedom. Enjoy it!

Plan for Fun

Good times don’t just happen. They develop in the context of a healthy, committed, growing relationship. A deep sense of security, knowing that your partner is fully faithful to you, will be at the heart of a great relationship, and ultimately, a sizzling sex life.

It also takes planning. In the very busy, high-paced world in which we live, sexuality is often either squeezed out of our schedule, or we’re so tired that when we do get time alone, we don’t have the energy or can’t stay focused and engaged in a way that would fully satisfy our spouse.

Spontaneity has its place, but you need to plan times together. You need to work to improve the experience, to understand each other, and to guarantee privacy - nothing will derail intimacy faster than little kids knocking on the door in the middle of it! Unplug the phones, and lock the doors. Do what it takes to prepare for having great sexual times together.

Finally, remember that the sexual relationship is one that develops over time and through many seasons of the marriage. Learn to enjoy each season, and grow together in both your friendship and your intimacy. God gave us all good things to enjoy, and sexuality is one of His best gifts to every married couple.