Wooing & Pursuing

Understanding Sexual Difference

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Marriage Uncensored recently conducted a survey of over 800 men and women in attempt to understand the different perspectives they bring into the bedroom. Many people approach sex with the assumption that their spouse has the same expectations, needs and desires as they do, not realizing that there are major gender differences at play when it comes to our view on sex.

Have a look at our survey results below, and talk through it with your spouse over coffee. Use the questions provided to guide your conversation. As you do, keep in mind that, like any survey, the conclusions are generalizations. If you don’t fit the typical pattern, that’s okay; there are individual differences beyond the gender stereotypes. Either way, it gives you a good starting point to a conversation that can help you take your sex life to the next level. And who doesn’t want that?

What Gets You in the Mood?

When asked what gets their motor running, 80% of women said that they need to sense their husband’s genuine concern and tenderness all day long. It’s the old adage: sex begins in the kitchen. Acts of service, displays of affection, demonstrations of thoughtfulness - they all help to establish a marital climate in which the wife is more receptive to sexual connection. A guy can’t ignore his wife all day and then suddenly start to show interest in her at bedtime - at least, not if he wants her to do any more than just go through the motions. For most women, great sex is not possible if the relationship isn’t strong on an ongoing basis.

A majority of men, on the other hand, identified flirting and teasing, and the sense that their wife really wants to be there with them, as the greatest turn-ons. Women sometimes assume that they don’t have to do anything to get their husband in the mood; he’s always ready to go. But for many men, what makes the difference between sex for sex’s sake and truly great physical intimacy is the feeling that his wife is an enthusiastic participant, and not just giving in to keep him happy.

What this shows is that sex really is an all day affair for both men and women, and it’s an affair of the mind. The mind is the most important sexual organ for both husband and wife, so if you want a smoking sex life, you’ve got to make effort to lead your spouse into that frame of mind.

Talk About It

Do you feel that I understand your sexual needs? Why or why not?

What things help you get in the mood for sex with me?

If I could do one thing to help you get into a sexual frame of mind, what would it be?

What Turns You Off?

When asked to identify their biggest sexual turn-offs, it wasn’t surprising to see that both men and women responded with the flipside of what gets them in the mood. For most women, the biggest sexual turn off is when sexuality is divorced from relationship. If the relationship is cold outside the bedroom, most wives have little interest in turning up the heat in bed. She has to feel like they are friends before she can abandon herself as a lover.

Many men, meanwhile, struggle when their wife seems to be just going through the motions. Some women complain that sex is all about the guy having his needs met, and he could care less about her enjoyment. There are some men like that, but the reality for most guys is that their sexual satisfaction is tied up in their ability to bring pleasure to their wives. If he perceives that she doesn’t want him or isn’t interested in sex, it can be like a bucket of cold water on his sex drive.

My wife Donalyn puts it like this: Women need a meaningful, satisfying relationship to maintain great sex, and men need satisfying, great sex to maintain a meaningful relationship. Neither is wrong; we just have different perspectives. As we learn to meet each other’s needs, the stage is set for fantastic sexual intimacy.

Talk About It

What gets in the way of our sexual intimacy?

Is there anything that I do that makes it hard for you to get into a sexual frame of mind?

What Keeps You Coming Back for More?

When asked for the key to maintaining a healthy sex life over the long run, once again both men and women returned to familiar themes. Women were almost unanimous: 95% of them responded that the key is to know that they are loved. Nearly as many men pinpointed mutual satisfaction and experiencing pleasure together as the critical factor.

What do we learn from this? Clearly, men and women approach the sexual relationship from different angles. And yet, if we can train ourselves to look at it through our spouse’s eyes and meet their needs first, a wonderful synergy is created. As the husband focuses on meeting his wife’s love needs, caring for her and becoming her best friend, she will naturally respond with increased sexual desire, thereby meeting his need to be physically wanted. Though we seem on the surface to be opposite in our needs, in truth we are designed to perfectly complement one another.

Talk About It

Tell me about one of your favourite sexual memories from our marriage.

What can we do to ensure we are still enjoying a passionate sex life 5, 10 and 20 years from now?

Next Steps

Sex is not an easy thing to talk about for many couples. It’s an area of tremendous vulnerability, and it requires a certain level of security in the relationship to be able to fully open up with one another about it.

For some of you, this type of discussion may be new. You may have some hurdles to overcome before you can fully enter into such a conversation. But I’d encourage you to go there. If you can’t do it on your own, consider bringing in a counselor or pastor to help you work through it.

A great sex life is built on a foundation of commitment, friendship and communication. Be committed to make it work, whatever the cost. Become best friends to create an environment where passion can flourish. Communicate honestly in order to keep growing in your understanding of one another’s needs and how to meet them. Do these three things and the sex will take care of itself.